on being retarded enough to live
A while ago I found this weird YouTube series called Retardmaxxing by Elisha Long.
It is a messy mix of anti-modern-life stuff, masculinity talk, christian talk, and a lot of deliberate provocation. Sometimes he says something sharp. Sometimes he is just being an asshole (a lot of the time it is both in the same five minutes).
I kept watching because (1) it’s a dude talking to the camera in his garden without any edits, effects or animations, which feels real and refreshing, and (2) every now and then he would say a thing I could really relate to:
A lot of people (myself included) are not stuck because they lack insight. They are stuck because they are scared to look stupid. You usually already know, somewhere in your body, what feels dead and what feels alive. A wrong job, a wrong relationship, a hobby you avoid because you don’t know anything about it yet, a project you avoid because it’s still abstract, or a place where you keep hiding.
What gets in your way is often shame. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being cringe… or simply not being able to justify what you want to yourself or anyone else.
( The phone makes this worse. I wrote in my first article that the smartphone trains passivity. It also trains self-consciousness. It is a camera in your hand, and now everybody else has one too. You are not only watching yourself from the outside. You also know someone else can do it for you. They can film you, post you, laugh at you, turn one weird moment into content, and leave it online forever. Of course, the result is that people get tighter. It gets harder to do something a lil wild, a lil sincere, a lil “retarded”, when your nervous system knows the whole world might become the audience. )
Some parts of Elisha’s channel are ugly in a very specific way. Elisha says stupid, mean things about women (while he loves his mom). He takes cheap shots at trans people. And he wrapped the whole project in the word ‘retarded’. Still, the part worth keeping is simple: check what you actually feel on the inside, then be foolish (retarded) enough to act on it. Notice what feels right. Notice what drains you. Notice where you are shrinking. Then move before you talk yourself back into the smaller, safer, more explainable version of your life.
on lil weird experiments
One thing I really like in the series (and one I can identify with, but often forget and avoid) is its respect for tinkering. Not everything in life needs to begin with a fully rationalised master plan. Most of the time, you don’t need a lot of planning. You need twenty euros, one afternoon, and enough openness and courage to try the thing.
Go throw a ball. Grab your bike and explore your neighbourhood. Take the long way home. Take a course. Cook something stupid and ambitious. Plant herbs. Start lifting. Invite people over. Buy the dumb little tool (i love dumb little tools). Rearrange the room. Go sit alone in a restaurant even if you feel awkward and out of place. A lot of useful life starts like that. Small, weird (lil) experiments. Experiments that might, but don’t have to, turn into something bigger.
This matters because distance makes everything look cringe. And the more you think about something, the more reasons you find to not do it. Real life is usually less dramatic than whatever is in our heads. We go to the place. We try the thing. Maybe it was a lil awkward. Maybe it is not for us. Fine. Maybe it is. Also fine. The point is that action gives us real information. It’s something I have to do more often.
on commitment
Curiosity is good, but at some point, curiosity has to turn into commitment.
Commitment changes the texture of life. It makes things denser and also more real. Before commitment, everything stays light and theoretical. You can always tell yourself that real life is coming later: once you have the perfect plan, the spare money, the perfect timing, the perfect certainty, the perfect person to do it with you.
Instead, you should choose some things to simply commit to:
You keep showing up at the same gym. You write the same project for long enough that it stops being a fantasy and becomes work or a hobby. You date one person seriously. You care for a room, a body, a meal, a friendship, a patch of earth. Suddenly, life starts answering back. Your habits start to mean something. Luck has somewhere to land.
Commitment also does not mean becoming a lil optimisation robot. It does not mean perfect discipline, perfect routines, perfect consistency. Being human is messier than that (I love humans for their messiness). Eat the pastry. Smoke the cigar. Have the drink. Skip a day. Stay up late. Fuck up a little. The point is balance. The point is that you are actually in your life, not managing it like some nervous lil accountant (I love all accountants, much respecc).
This is where I think a lot of self-improvement content goes wrong. It gives you endless ways to think about your life without actually living it. And it feels like that self-improvement content and trend in general is going exponential right now. I feel like people are obsessed with stats. I feel like only a very tense population can be so obsessed with stats. a smart watch (one of the most cringe accessories you can wear, sorry, do what you want and like!), an app to track your workout, your thoughts, your plans; you track your likes, your followers, your calories, your steps, your friends, your thoughts (meanwhile the tech industry is tracking you :b).
You can turn your whole life into a dashboard !! and still never actually live it.
on becoming more human again
The positive version of this philosophy, the part I actually want, is a return to what is human. In no way should this read as I live like this right now. Quite the opposite, this article is a reminder to myself: I want to build a life that has some texture again.
Hands-on things. Yes, doing things with my hands. Meals with actual effort in them. A space I care about. A body that feels used. Friends I see in person. Places where people know me because I showed up again and again, not because I optimised my (online) profile well.
This is where the ‘third space’ really lands for me. Barbershop, board game evenings, running club, tavern, shisha lounge, church basement, neighbourhood cafe, whatever you like. The exact place matters less than the fact that it is real, recurring, and shared. You leave the house. You show your face. You become a person that other people can actually place in the world.
Elisha says that it does something to you, and I believe him. I feel it every time it happens! Sadly, not often enough!
It also changes what charisma means. I liked the series part about strength and warmth. That feels right, and it also aligns with my vision, my values, and how I view and appreciate people. Strength, to me, is not dominance, not physical strength. It is the strength to look inwards, to admit when you are wrong, to ask questions without the fear of appearing stupid. People who have the courage to expose themselves to the world by doing art, or whatever project. That kind of courage gives people steadiness, realness, and accountability. Something I really like about people. Warmth is openness, generosity, humour, and empathy.
The people I trust and am impressed by most usually have some mix of both.
on where elisha’s philosophy breaks
A person trying to become more fully themselves should not be the enemy of this philosophy. They are the perfect test case for it. That includes trans people. It includes women doing ‘manly’ things and men doing ‘womanly’ things. It includes anyone trying to leave behind a life that feels false, flattening, or spiritually dead. The whole point, supposedly, is to stop outsourcing your inner life to the crowd. So why immediately turn around and punish people for doing that in a way you do not like?
what I am keeping
Pay attention to what feels alive and what feels dead. Notice where you are shrinking. Notice what you keep talking yourself out of. Do small real things before you have the master plan. Commit before you can defend the commitment in perfect language (especially to yourself!). Build a life with some garden in it. Find real places. Become warmer. Become stronger. Get off the screen. Show your face. Let yourself look a lil stupid sometimes.
You already know more than you admit.
The hard part is acting before you overthink your vision to death.
xx
one thing i like about myself is that i do not need a person to be spotless before i can learn from them. i can notice the conflict, keep my values, and still pay attention to the part that is real. that is what let me go deep here